The Biggest Secret
by Offcentercompass
Summary: Set in Season 1, Emma and Regina are sleeping together. Contains a dark and deeper analysis of Emma's past. Mature and angsty because that is what I do! Ultimately a character study for Emma - moving into season 2 and possibly beyond
1. Chapter 1

A dark and twisted one shot about Emma's past.

The background is she believes Henry, in the curse and in that blasted one sided book.

She is sure that Regina was The Evil Queen. But that hasn't stopped her attraction to her, stopped them from entering into a sexual relationship.

Set anywhere in Season 1- obviously!

Enjoy as best you can, rated mature for the mentions of adult content.

All comments gratefully received.

* * *

Everyone loves secrets right? Everyone likes being trusted, the fact of knowing something someone else doesn't. Or even gossiping, people love that, sharing a secret that then spreads like wildfire, being in the know and feeling superior about it.

So why do I keep thinking back about this secret I know, and shuddering? Wishing it wasn't true and I take no joy from knowing because the nature of this secret, it is dark and dirty and should cause nightmares. Yet once I knew it I decided I was already in too deep with the person and that I didn't care, I just wanted them and it didn't matter about their past, however twisted it was.

But now, I wonder what it says about me, the fact that I hardly batted an eyelid, in fact I'm pretty sure we rolled straight into bed after I laid out my argument, the accusation and she didn't deny it. The sex was razor sharp like always. I'm not even sure I gave it too much thought, easily distracted by the curves and soft exposed flesh. I probably just shut it out to deal with later. I think later might actually have arrived now, because it is eating away at the back of my mind, asking it's whispered questions, about me and my acceptance of something I knew to be very wrong.

To touch on just a few of the sickening details, there is murder, sexual abuse, a whole festering pot of family hatred and twisted love and bent desires, and now I'm right in the middle of it all. Knowing, all be it many years after the event, but saying nothing. Maybe there is nothing to say. Maybe my role in this is never to cast judgement, only being there to hold and soothe, to love and try and make things better. To try and ignore the past, send it back into the locked box, far away from everyday life and the harsh light of the days here.

And the irony is I have never felt safer. She might have done horrid things, but I know with a deep certainty she never would to me. As the passion ignited between us there was always discussion, there was always mutual consent and desire, and it was never forced. And in the past I had known it to be forced, back in the foster system from an overbearing "uncle" that I can never quite forget no matter how hard I drink. There were sexual encounters that were so half hearted because I wasn't enjoying it or didn't really want it. But I needed something, either a job or a roof over my head and I'd opened that naïve and stupid mouth or worn the skirt just so thinking I was in control and could manipulate things into getting my way. Being too arrogant, brazenly following it through, the thing I needed being more important than my own self-worth.

Engaging in behaviour I knew wasn't right, petty theft, drug use, casual sex that was often fuelled by drink and sometimes became hard and aggressive, bordering on physical abuse. I was often bruised either actually with dark blemishes on my skin or emotionally, but burying it deep down, hiding from it. I was damaged, being so desperate for money or affection the moral compass inside me got ignored or switch off altogether.

There was a point where I'd been so lost and so ashamed I had allowed myself to be blackmailed into doing things. Low life scum I had somehow become surrounded by and all they did was take advantage of me. I realise now I was weak and vulnerable and I had needed a friend and instead got false assurances and fake smiles. It turns my stomach to remember being held in place, made to deep throat until I thought I'd be sick but it happened. And I can't remember if it was for drugs or a tank of gas, not like I can still remember the feel of his hand wrapped round the back of my head, holding me in place as his cock spasmed and emptied down my throat.

It was the darkest of times where I felt my mind being pushed and played with and manipulated until I didn't know what to do for the best anymore so I just gave in, closed myself off emotionally and let them fuck me, both physically and metaphorically.

It took years to get out of that cycle, to find my way back to a proper life. To settle, to continue with education, a descent job, a regular place to live and to begin to rebuild and grow.

Now there was a new town, a fresh start and a gorgeous woman. Being with her was explosive and was a stark comparison to the years before. With her there was freedom, there was pleasure. There was tenderness and a choice which had been sorely missing from the past. And it brought out the heat in me, meaning I was no longer searching for a sexual release, it came easily because I relaxed in the comfort of her arms, rocking into her beautiful body. And everything felt right and that helped obscure the lie we were living, helped keep the secret buried and it meant the past just that, and we were ok.

It was so much more than ok, it felt safe and I felt wanted. It was good and left me feeling worth it, so different from the way I had let my body be used in the past.

Ultimately however much hurt and regret was inside her, she never took it out on me. There was only softness, love, heat and need between us in her bed. And there was need within me too, broken, twisted need, the need to forget the past and to feel something other than desperation.

So in the mess of twisted sheets we fitted together and made the best of it, burning each other with intensity because there was never enough of anything to calm the raging spirits and put out the fires of bitterness, regret and resentment we both felt towards life.

Life that had melded us both when we were young, both of us equally foolish because we had believed what we were told about life being good and love being true. She was broken like I was, just by different experiences, and somehow we had managed to find each other and forge an understanding. When we were tied together in bed, things felt better, if only briefly. The pain was shared, mixed with pleasure and diluted so it wasn't completely consuming.

And for that, I think I'd forgive her anything, because she was the first person to be kind like that, to care and be interested in me. And that deserved my loyalty and trust to keep her secret. Even though now it might seem like a mistake, as things slowly unravelled and the lines separating the impossible from happening started blurring, making the possibility of a fairy tale world inhabiting a town in Maine a reality. And as it starred me in the face I wanted to shy away, but I couldn't. Had my whole life, the suffering and the periods of losing myself all been for this moment, to give me a twisted kind of strength to see this through?

I feel something sit in my stomach, fear or guilt I don't know, possibly both as I start to wonder if perhaps I should have run away from her screaming. I didn't though, I fell into bed with her instead so the thought is irrelevant.

Can I convince myself her behaviour was just a lapse in judgement, a youthful mistake compounded by lies told by a manipulative mother and then Rumpelstiltskin? Was her broken heart any justification at all? Did the dark magic corrupt her innocence or was her heart already blackened? I will never know and the questions never stop so to save my sanity I push them back, further and further until they are just another thing I am ignoring.

What I do know is that some of life is about forgiveness, giving people a chance to change and better themselves. Is anyone else qualified to dictate any kind of morality and judgement in this case? We are all allowed mistakes, to do horrid things, I know I certainly did. I stood by and watched while people were beaten in prison, I brought drink and drugs into a house with minors, I behaved selfishly time and again so I have no right. I lied, I stole and I cheated.

It is part of the struggle I have within myself because when everything is stripped away I'm not the good person I like to think I am. And I am definitely not the good person Henry believes in, The Saviour. When you start to dissect my past it is full of bitterness and regrets. I am trying now, and if there is a decision to make I take time and think about it, hopefully doing what is right rather than what is easy. Except with Regina, because that is both easy and feels right but only when we are together, otherwise I know it is wrong, so very wrong. And we are back to the secret, if I didn't know then I might not be so tortured.

I am old enough now to know life is full of grey areas, and I inhabit them far more than I want to. I'm not automatically drawn to the light, I struggle daily and even when I pick the light and right choice the dark still calls to me. So if someone else was also drawn to it, then can I understand and have no right to cast blame. Especially when I look in her eyes at intimate moments and she her regret. She isn't consumed by the darkness anymore, but it has left its mark and twisted her.

Would I defend her if I weren't currently warming her bed? That is another question I push away. Henry is vehement in his attack of the woman, and yet I can see a different side, a loving mother and diligent Mayor. She has good qualities if you choose to look.

Maybe I need to see the good in her. I feel we are drawn together because we are so similar. We are broken and damaged, running from the past that we can never change. And if there is a chance for her, if there is goodness hidden deep down, then there is also hope for me.

And yes the character study of myself will slowly drive me mad, because I don't like the person I was, but I like the person I am now even less. At least I was young and stupid and had excuses for behaving like I did. I was lonely, reeling from being abandoned by my lover, insecure and at times desperate. I didn't know any better without any real role model to guide and show me, no parents to step in and stop the downward spiral. And now, well I'm older and supposedly wiser. I have a son to think about and there is no excuse for the lies and the destructive behaviour. I should know better and should never have let myself get involved with the damaged brunette.

And it sounds childish and like I'm sulking, but I don't want to stop. She makes me happy, gives me something I was previously missing. But I recognise it is dangerous and I am not the only person involved here. Apparently there is a whole town of people uprooted from their homes and living a lie. It would be selfish to keep indulging in my own pleasure but that is all I really want to do.

In the end I have done this and I can't go back, only forwards, so what choice is there? I sometimes feel there is a finite amount of honesty and goodness inside all of us and every day a little bit more gets chipped away. I wonder if all of mine got crushed after I left prison and I lost my way because it is so easy to fall into her bed and then pretend like we hate each other in public. The façade is easy, the lie requiring very little thought to maintain. I can't even tell my son. Do good people behave like that? I don't think so.

No I am certain good people don't behave like this, but in my defence life after prison was a battle and I know it changed me, warped my perception. I was already guarded and troubled but I once had hope, strength and motivation things would get better. I wouldn't say I was happy because the foster system had worn me down and shown me life was hard but I wasn't like I am now. Eaten up with guilt and doubting every decision.

I feel broken and I don't want to get up in the morning. I make myself, because that is what adults do, they hold down a job and they set an example to their children. Money is a daily requirement to pay the bills, and Granny's diner won't feed me for free no matter how friendly I am with Ruby. The only thing that perks me up is a text from a certain sarcastic brunette and the hope of getting laid, and with that thought the guilt starts again.

Plus going to work keeps the darkness at bay, it is a distraction and stops it engulfing me. I think I'd go crazy if I had time on my hands, time to think and remember. I just hate how hard things are now, everything in my life seems to have been fought for, never freely given. Except for the warmth and kindness between Regina's sheets. That is free unless you count the demons it causes and the emotional strain it is costing me.

And everything feels like a struggle, there is nothing cushioning me from my mistakes, and I feel fear about making more bad choices grasp at me. There is a lack of spark, no fire burns inside me anymore. I feel lost again without a clear path to go down. There is no drive and nothing I want because the fear stifles it before the idea can take root and blossom into something to look forward to. It leaves a bitterness behind and a pervading and deep need that filters through everything I am. And it is a need that doesn't get satisfied because it is the need to feel acceptance with myself, to feel I made the right decision, to feel positive about something in my life. And that never comes.

I feel better in her bed because she wants me, despite my poor life choices or because of them. It doesn't matter why, just that she does and between us there is mutual acceptance. And I make her feel good as she comes often at the ministrations of my hand or the touch of my tongue and I know there is something I am good at and can be judged as a success. Something I can be proud of, unless of course you know the lover you are currently intimate with is a murderer. Push it away, you can't change your actions or hers.

It is with a heavy heart I acknowledge I am only surviving during the day, not living. I only come alive at night with the brunette above or below me and we are on borrowed time. Her secret will eventually be revealed and if I am not careful I will get caught in the vortex that can only pull me down further as the world we know spins away to be replaced with hurt and accusations.

Then there will come a time to pick a side, to tell the truth, to either defend her or to give her up. I want to believe I'll do the right thing and that I have honestly changed and learned to be a good person.

Is Regina worth that that risk? I don't know, I'm certainly caught up in something with her. And can I live with myself if I make the wrong choice, can I let her go? I remember the pain of betrayal, of being abandoned so well myself, to do that to her when I know she is already broken would devastate her, probably killing the last good part of her. It would be on my conscience forever, but then so much is already.

What I do know is the phone has just vibrated and it will be a text from her, saying there is a glass of apple cider at her house with my name on it and I am going to walk over there and get lost in her bed for a few hours. I'll happily forget the past and the present, hoping for a future that can never be as the clock in the tower continues to tick round signalling the countdown to our combined destruction.


	2. Chapter 2

This was meant to be a one shot, but I decided to continue it as I had an idea - let me know if you think it was a good one!

Still a dark story which mentions themes of a mature nature. Starts in Season 1, moves into Season 2.

Enjoy and all reviews and comments gratefully received.

* * *

Regina stood in the loft space of Mary Margaret's apartment and held the diary, soaking up Emma's words. Words written from the blonde's heart and soul, the pain in them clear. Regina knew she should be happy, she should be smiling at the spin she had the blonde in, but she wasn't. She recognized the fear, anguish and weight of expectation Emma was writing about.

She had read the police file on Emma so she knew a lot of Emma's past, the prison stay, the history of theft, implied drug use and the possibility of a problem with drink. The brunette knew she had grown up in care but the passage mentioning the abuse was a new fact, one that sent a shiver down her spine. She knew what being touched against your will felt like. And the passages about using sex to gain something, she knew about that. She had used sex as a weapon, to manipulate stupid men and gain power. Emma it appeared had needed to use it to feed herself and live. It wasn't the same, but the feeling it left you with, the disappointment and self loathing, she imagined that was probably the same.

She was engrossed as she felt the blonde's struggle about their sexual relationship, she felt the depth of Emma's feelings for her, and the trust she had put down on the paper. And Regina tried to deny that it warmed her heart, convince herself that the organ was dead in her chest. Emma's words certainly didn't make it beat harder or swell, any feeling like that was imagined. Yes she was tender with the other woman when they were in bed together but it was a game, much like the reason she was here in the loft apartment. She was planting incriminating evidence for Emma to find. Evidence that would totally implicate Snow in Kathryn's disappearance.

She glanced at the bunch of skeleton keys sitting on the counter, she had not expected to find the diary but she had been rifling through drawers and looking for hiding places and come across the tattered book that Emma had obviously had for a long time. The brunette had flicked through the previous entries, some were clearly written during Emma's prison stay where the only friend or person who would listen seemed to be the empty page. She had used a pencil to write, probably the only thing inmates were allowed and some of the entries were scratched into the paper, the force used to inscribe clear and speaking about Emma's frustrations, her anger taken out as she pushed hard into the paper, venting in the only way she could. Some of the pages had shorter entries, some pages were torn out, and others were spotted with fallen tears, the paper now dry but leaving behind a bumpy reminder. But Regina was captivated but the last entry, reading how Emma wanted her, felt safe with her and didn't want this to stop.

Regina shook her head, because Emma should never feel like that with her. She was dangerous, and Emma knew the truth about her past. Safe was not a word to use about The Evil Queen and despite being in this world for 28 years she was still that woman. Her current behaviour, the deceit and manipulation was her trade mark. The anger and bitterness towards Mary Margaret was still fresh, the need to win and make The Charming couple suffer drove her as if the previous decades away from The Enchanted Forest had never happened. The only difference was the absence of magic but she was doing well enough, leading everyone to the conclusion the school teacher was guilty of something terrible. And Regina knew she was, not of hurting Kathryn this time, no, but she had in the past. The brunette would never forget the deep hurt, the broken promise and betrayal of her trust that had led to Daniel's blood covering Snow's whiter than white hands.

And in the game Regina was playing with the Princess Charming, the one where the tension between them that built during the days was released in the dark of the night, she was winning too. She had gained the trust of the younger woman and from what she was reading was obviously in a position where she could manipulate the blonde. And despite the compassion she felt for the younger woman she was still going to take this and use it to her advantage, because that was who she was.

Her grin as she put the diary away showed her teeth and lit up her face, making her eyes sparkle. She made quick work of hiding the knife and left the apartment, locking the door behind her.

Emma was conflicted, Emma was even more damaged than she had at first thought and it wouldn't take much to break her. And with Emma broken she would have a clear path to take Henry back, to get back _her_ son.

The little voice that spoke up from the back of her head that told her Emma was very much like she herself had been, beaten and abused, bearing great loss and didn't deserve anymore pain in her life was ignored. After all, when had anyone helped her when she was down and needing support? Life had continued to be unfair and harsh, so why should she give the blonde any kind of chance or a reprieve? She was known to be ruthless and Emma would eventually realise she hadn't changed. Any softness when they were in bed was just a ploy and the satisfaction they both took was just that, a release of the tension, servicing a need. There were absolutely no feelings involved from the Mayor, Emma was Snow's daughter and possessing her carnally filled Regina with unrestrained glee. Certainly the blonde was attractive and had a tight body and that was why they were involved sexually, it was just a shame the blonde hadn't gathered that. Regina knew if this all unravelled as was Emma's fear from the diary that the blonde would end up more hurt and exposed than she would be. She pushed down hard on the spark of feeling she felt, it might have been pity, a touch of guilt, but either way she didn't allow it to focus into anything clear.

She lifted her head and walked with purpose out of the building and down the sidewalk, her heels clicking rhythmically. Today had been a good day, she was going to get what she wanted, Snow suffering, Charming believing his wife guilty and their true love hanging in the balance and their child hopelessly lost caught up between the mistakes of her past and the questions she had about the future.

* * *

So now Regina had attempted to poison her lover, and Henry had been caught in the middle and had nearly died. Emma had kissed Henry and broken her curse with True Love. Her plans lay in tatters and now Gold had sent a Wrath after her. Trying to save her, Emma had been sucked away to another world and she didn't know how she felt.

She had been scared about the Wraith, despite hiding it with her anger, bitterness and sarcasm. She was scared the rift between her and Henry was too deep to repair and she knew the town hated her just as they always had done. She was battling fear and she never did well when she felt backed into a corner, that was when she closed off and used her magic to defend and protect herself, attack being the best way she knew as a defence. Only Henry had asked her not to use magic, so she felt alone and unnerved, stripped bare of power and authority.

She felt the loss keenly, the loss of Henry as he shunned her, the loss of her life under the curse where she had a job and some kind of respect. Then there was the loss of his blonde mother. It was ironic she missed the younger woman but she did, their passionately heated arguments that made her blood pump and made her have to think quickly, challenging her both mentally and at times physically. She thought she hated Emma but with her arrival it had broken the monotony and had reminded her she was alive and had something to lose, something she needed to fight for. But even more so she missed the blonde for the passionately heated nights together. She squashed that thought quickly, it wasn't appropriate and it wasn't going to continue.

Regina had been in this situation before, newly married but alone, having a title but no power. She had felt shunned and unwanted both by her husband (at least during the daytime) and also by the people of the Kingdom. And she had sunk into the darkness and decided if they didn't want her or respect her, they would eventually learn to fear her. She had been ruthless because she had nothing in her life and no-one, not a lover or a friend. At least this time she had hope, hope that if she worked hard that Henry might come back to her.

She had continued to be intimate with Emma almost until the incident with the turnover and her heart, the one she swore only beat for Henry, did clench when she thought how Emma had put herself in harm's way for her even after an attempted poisoning. Both under the library with the dragon and then with the Wraith. Whatever else had happened Emma was a good person who had put her feelings to one side for the greater good. Added to that she was an attentive lover, considerate and thorough and she also fought hard for Henry when he was in trouble. Regina remembered her determination back at the mines and when he was laying under a sleeping curse in the hospital. She was far worldlier than her parents, having more darkness in her past. She hadn't grown up spoilt and pampered like her mother and Regina had a respect for the blonde despite her family tree.

Regina could see her reaction to Emma, trying to poison her even as the woman told her she was leaving town, was extreme. But she had always been like that, she didn't just want to win, she wanted to crush any opposition. She had rarely been merciful and she knew she had more chance of getting Henry back if Emma was gone for good. Sleeping forever was a good second choice. Even as she knew Emma hadn't hurt her, she hadn't done anything except bumble ineptly into their lives as a second mother to Henry at his insistent invite. The punishment was severe because she could have left town, she should never have stayed. By staying she became a threat to the curse, and she was Snow's daughter and that made her guilty by association, deserving of the hurt and suffering Regina was dishing out. Regina knew deep down that was unfair, especially as Emma hadn't known Snow or grown up with her, but life wasn't fair. And no amount of respect or sexual satisfaction at the blonde woman's hand would divert her once she had focused on a path and an end goal.

So here they were, with a very fragile truce, loads of mistrust fuelled by blood soaked history and Emma and Snow in another realm. Communication was forced and stilted and Regina would happily have washed her hands of it all except Henry looked at her with his big pleading eyes to reunite his family.

So that was why she was helping, she didn't feel guilty that Emma had sacrificed herself and she wasn't admitting out loud to missing the blonde. She was helping Charming for Henry, everything was for him. Getting Emma and Snow back was only a priority because it would please her young Prince. And the fact she found herself back in the loft and reading the diary was just a coincidence. She was there to watch Henry sleep and help with his nightmares and she wasn't one to pass up an opportunity, after all knowledge was power, that was all this was about.

The words jumped from the page, practically carved into the paper.

STUPID

STUPID

STUPID

That was all there was on one page, written so large the letters screamed at her, dominating and bold.

Regina knew Emma had written them after Henry had eaten the turnover, and she ran her finger over the writing almost feeling the anger they had been inscribed with. She flicked through pages and could see the indent it had left over the next few pages. There were more missing pages, just the tattered fragments of paper left behind and then a page filled with Emma's tight scribble. Regina sat and let her eyes wander over the words.

 _Players, I look out the grimy Sheriff Station window and muse. I am surrounded by them in Storybrooke, people who display one thing but who have their own agenda and hide their true self from view, and I'm not just talking about The Fallen Queen._

 _Rumple definitely has his own agenda and I'm pretty sure Blue isn't as white and pure as she liked to project. Even some of the Princesses aren't above manipulation to get what they want and some of the rest of them just set my bullshit detector off. I have no idea why. Whale is a prime example, but maybe it's the fact he slept with my Mother. He is a Player and I recognised the traits because I had embraced being a Player myself once._

 _I had become one almost a decade ago, a time long before Storybrooke but after Neal and prison had changed things in my life drastically. And it had been easy, a transition into someone else, to cover up the insecurities being abandoned by my lover had left me with. To hide them with a confident and strong façade. And it was a cover, but it served me well, protecting my vulnerable and hurting self while displaying a devil may care attitude to the world._

 _And sometimes it felt like looking in a mirror of my past behaviour when I was shown the pictures of The Evil Queen in Henry's book. It was a similar front, another façade. And I wanted to believe that, that she was hurting and retreated into herself and that it was some small excuse for the killing and violence. Well so I thought, I now have the metaphorical knife wound in my back showing me how wrong I was, how stupid I was to believe._

 _But enough about Regina, I have wasted enough time on her these last few months. Her façade was obviously better than mine had ever been and I am now licking more wounds. I knew being close to her would end badly, I just had no idea. I was applying our world situations and scenarios to a world with magic and got caught out. Things with magic get even more messy and painful._

 _But I need to tear my thoughts away from the beautiful brunette so I think back to my past, not somewhere I ought to dwell either but since sharing True Love's kiss with my son everything has shaken itself apart and the only thing I am certain of is the past._

 _I became successful with my front, I was able to build on it to get jobs and find accommodation and I functioned as The Player only reverting to my sheltered self when I was alone in the still of the night shortly before sleep took me. It kept me safe and I hear it whisper to me now, let me help, let me give you comfort._

 _No I tell the insidious voice. I had been one once, but I was determined, not anymore. I had outgrown The Player, finally realising they were dangerous. They made me act irresponsibly and without a conscience, basing life on getting things and ignoring feelings. It was a destructive cycle and I had fought hard to get out of it. And then I came here and vowed never to go back to that way of life. Someone had needed me and been worth it, they had given me everything I needed and changed me in ways I never thought possible._

 _Well two people really, Henry at first, his childlike trust and unconditional love had warmed my bruised and battered heart and made me drop my defensive shield. I was myself with him and I tried for him. And because he was mine and I'm certain had inherited his "Superpower" he saw through the false bravado and wanted to know the person under it all. He didn't want to hear stories and tall tales, he just wanted the facts. He wanted the truth and didn't care if it was dull and boring or unfulfilling, because he believed in hope and second chances and that you could always keep trying until you got what you deserved and were happy._

 _And then there was his other mother, the fiery and fiercely defensive brunette. And somehow we had ended up in bed together. I swear didn't go into it with that in mind, I had been drunk and too honest when I had first kissed the woman. But after the first few nightly visits I found I felt satisfied for the first time in my life. I don't mean sexually, although I had certainly been satisfied by the brunette, I was referring to the level of intimacy and the desire between us that had sprung up naturally. And it felt so good, like warmth and contentment and it seemed to complete me in a way I'd been missing my whole life._

 _I for the first time in a very long time I had felt alive and comfortable with someone in bed. I brought her pleasure over and over again and I thought she wanted me just as much in return. And I'm back to thinking about the woman, she is a constant even when I don't want her to be._

 _Somehow it was different between us than with people in my past. Mostly because it hadn't felt fake, I didn't think I was in the brunette's bed because I was a trophy because of how I looked, or being used as a ploy to get closer to someone else. It didn't feel like I was a distraction or being set up. I honestly thought this was real, the attraction animalistic and like a magnet, the smiles before, during and after weren't drawn on or pretend. And I felt the depth of feeling between us despite the fact we were both frantically trying to maintain that it was just sex. I had honestly believed that, she had never set off my lie detector as we lay entwined and whispered words heavy with emotion. Did she really fool me? She must have done, an apple turnover and a sleeping curse later it all hangs in tatters._

 _I think of the brief conversations that lead to heated kisses and guttural cries in the early hours of the morning and those I know with an absolute certainty weren't faked. I had done plenty of that in the past to stroke someone's ego, lying back and faking it had become simple and easy as The Player. The way my body responded to hers was based on the honesty of passionate need, pleasure given and taken in equal measure. And it was good, did I get so caught up with the physical that I lost my perspective?_

 _I had got into bad habits as The Player, drink or drug fuelled late nights where I hardly slept, often still up at 4am in some suspect and shady bar. At some point in my early twenties I woke in yet another strange and foreign bedroom, trying to sneakily leave without waking the guy I had gone home with and realised this was dangerous. The next guy could be a rapist or murderer and the outcome could end up being much worse than struggling to make idle conversation over coffee in the morning and pretending the night had been as good as it obviously had been for them. I could end up strangled, mutilated, just another statistic in a police file. It was time to end this behaviour and to turn my back on the nights where I'd pick a different warm body to go home with. Trying to make some kind of connection, to feel wanted just briefly but satisfying nothing, each day blending – the drink, the drugs, the sex, it all meant so very little. That had sobered me and sharpened my perspective, and I vowed to take more notice and not let myself slip again._

 _And I didn't think I had, I thought this was mutual and that I was safe in her arms and in her bed. I thought it was growing slowly into what? I don't know, but I didn't expect her complete and utter rejection._

 _I had even begun to feel confident that I wasn't a Player anymore, I hoped I had evolved. And it wasn't because of Regina, I had changed before that and changed for myself, but the brunette had helped cast a spell and I felt better within myself than I had for a long time. And because of that I felt she had finally helped me cage the dangerous tendencies and turn my back on my protective shell. I could survive without that front, that façade was gone._

 _But as the brunette betrayed my trust, attempted to poison me and then the curse broke I have come to understand that really wasn't true. I had mistakenly believed I was wanted in Regina's bed, that it had been mutually gratifying and not fake. I had felt connected to the older woman, and damn it I had kept her secret and from my side the sex had been more than a game. And now reality had come crashing down around everyone and I can see that a game was all it had ever been. It had been based on lies and deceit and we never moved past that, I just thought we did. The comfort shared meant more to me than it did to her and my acceptance of Regina and her past was more easily given than her acceptance of me as Snow's daughter. She must have hated me as much as my mother, and yet she held me close. I guess that is what they say, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Well there was often nothing between us, shared breaths, salty skin and shared fluids and all of it part of her twisted game._

 _I am left facing the realisation that the brunette's behaviour had made a mockery of the strength I thought I had found to rise above my past. The Player wants to come back in full force, to protect my badly bruised heart, shielding me like it does best. And if I let it I could become reckless. My parents want a daughter to be proud of, Henry expects me to be The Saviour, and I am scared to let them down. At least if I revert maybe I won't care so much, I won't be hurt and scared and Regina will never know how badly she has cut into me. She was a master of the mask, but I can do a good job as well, and maybe I need that for a little while._

 _I had obviously only locked The Player up, pushing them to the back of my mind and not letting them out to play because of some misplaced loyalty to a woman who didn't deserve it. I am just so frustrated, admitting I had grown used to the other woman's touch, her skilled ministrations and recognising the dangerous need in my body that begs to be satisfied. How can I miss her touch when she tried to poison me? It is the ultimate weakness and I hate myself just a little bit more._

 _The Player in me wants to boldly march forward like it had never left. I can fix this it whispers. And god I wanted it to, to take away the pain and the struggle. I can't believe how I feel in these quiet moments when I'm alone, left to analyse the choices I made. It is a mirror of so long ago, feeling hollow, empty, and tricked into a stupid situation and needing to do something to fix it and feel in control of something again._

 _I know that ultimately my behaviour as The Player was shameful and had left me with no respect for myself, but I was hurt and angry about life, looking for something I seemed never to be able to find, a sense of satisfaction and belonging. I had wanted to understand why people kept leaving me alone in my life. From foster families, my parents, my lover, all had left me sad and insecure and the front I had fashioned in prison to deflect people's questions and to function in society helped me cope with the dejection I always felt. It had settled deep down inside me, pulling at my battered heart and anchoring round my soul._

 _And The Player liked a drink and even recreational drugs, because those took the edge off the pain and the memories, but it came with consequences. It made it easier to blur the lines between right and wrong, to seduce people with innuendos and to cloud any better judgement. People who should never have been chased were suddenly targets, regardless of whether they were married, taken, my superior at work, male, female, casual friends, none of that had mattered. I had pushed ahead anyway, wanting to feel something and not realising the only feeling being created was pain. I hurt other people as well as myself in my desperate search and driving need. And now I look back I feel the guilt and it is suffocating, broken marriages and homes because of me, children separated by divorce and lawyers from their loving parents and that is the one thing I knew about and should never have made a choice that inflicted it on someone else._

 _So I shift my thoughts, and the person they gravitate to is not healthy to think about. I know if I give in she could end up consuming my thoughts. But she is the one I want this time and of course she isn't an easy person, she isn't the right person. It is a woman who clearly doesn't know how to be emotionally available, who hell has just tried to poison me into a life of fiery oblivion. Could it get any worse? We shared a son and someone is bound to get even more hurt here, possibly all three of us. I have to admire my ability to pick them, it is almost like I enjoy setting myself up to fail. I think I want a drink and that I know from experience is a slippery slope._

 _I might have been ok but the text messages, the flirting and then the passionately fulfilling sex had got inside my head. Even when I am usually so guarded, never opening up like I did with her. Somehow she tricked me into believing there was something there and a part of me wishes it had been real. I should have known better and that is what is most frustrating._

 _I wonder if I pursued this because of the thrill. She was wrong in every way and that somehow made it seem right. I just never should have let my emotions lead me, become so involved that everything became clouded. I had done that once before and that is what kicked off this whole cycle._

 _Back at the start of all of this I thought Neal was the answer, but with hindsight he was a bad boy and there was a thrill to that too. And he had tricked me and I swore never to trust like that again. Because back then when I was young and naive and stupid, so very stupid there had been deep feelings involved. And he had still broken my heart into a million pieces. I had let down my guard, had let him know I wanted him and he had come to me. But it had only been for a little while and then he had disappeared into the sunset without a second thought or backward glance. And his behaviour, his leaving had cost me. I lost a friend and a lover and had ended up losing 2 people instead of one, having no choice than to give up my baby, my son as well. He had left me feeling so alone and worthless, not understanding what I had done that was so wrong to push him away. I couldn't reconcile any of my feelings, not about him and his betrayal or about myself. He left me to go to jail, used me and threw me away much like all the Foster families before him but this hurt more because I had believed him and his words about love and future we had planned._

 _Everyone else after that had been to try and feel wanted, to know it wasn't me that was the problem, I was attractive, and I was worth it._

 _And I thought that I'd worked through all those issues, that I'd managed to find a space where I was happy. Maybe I had been, but now I am despondent and feeling lonely despite being reunited with my parents. Because it isn't their company I crave, it is hers._

 _And I keep coming back to that question, it still burns in my mind,_ AM _I worth it? And if I am, what did I do wrong and why doesn't she want me anymore?_

Regina looked up and knew from way the shadows had moved round in the room she had been sitting engrossed for some time. It was painful and yet addictive to read Emma's words. And she understood, she knew the guilt and the darkness and the ways to deflect your mind for focusing too much on the bad and negative things in your own life. She had enjoyed too much wine during her marriage, not that it had ultimately helped but it had numbed some of her feelings of self-loathing and the hatred and bitterness she felt toward her husband. She had probably become addicted to magic, her world's equivalent of drugs and she had taken men and women to bed with her as a respite from her raging temper and to soothe her anger about her inability to find Snow and make her suffer.

She probably understood Emma far better than her parents ever would, and poor Emma was trapped with Snow who would be trying to coddle her and smoother her with 28 years' worth of missing love. Regina could only imagine how that would work out, especially if Emma had built back all of her defensive walls.

Regina knew she had got under the blonde's skin, but she didn't realise quite how far she had burrowed and how many of Emma's walls she had breached. She couldn't feel guilty about it, she'd had a job to do and a curse to protect.

And Emma might be damaged again but she wasn't broken, she was still functioning and Regina knew in time she could heal. The brunette was a living example that given enough time you could move on and learn to accept. She was helping to retrieve Snow now against her better judgment and she had just recently had to finally let Daniel go, his last words to her still raw. But she had realised she couldn't hang on to him and despite the immense pain she had done the right thing and allowed him to move on. In time Emma would grow and move past this set back, she might never forgive Regina but that was ok with the brunette. It was a risk she had happily taken at the time, expecting Emma to sleep forever. Emma in her typically annoying way had managed to thwart that plan but they would find a way forward if only for Henry so he wasn't caught in an endless tug of war.

Most surprising had been Emma's words that she still held a candle for her, still wanted the older woman despite knowing it was wrong. Regina could only shake her head in bewilderment. She knew was attractive but she wasn't a good life choice. She was the reason Emma had grown up in care without parents and good sex wasn't a basis for a relationship. Regina was certain Emma knew that, but these words were her personal thoughts where reason was cast aside and replaced with day dreams. And Regina knew dreams were dangerous, she hadn't dared have any since Daniel, because they always let you down.

Something registered with Regina, Emma had behaved recklessly, rashly throwing herself into a portal and things began to make more sense. She was hurting and felt the pressure of being the Princess Charming. She hadn't thought about her actions, Regina was certain that Emma hadn't really been thinking about any of her actions since the curse broke. She was in a spin, struggling with new parents, a land with fairy tale characters and magic existing.

She had withdrawn into herself and was just going through the motions. That person was dangerous and if she came back Regina didn't want her around Henry. Emma needed to reconnect with herself and soon, for Henry's sake as much as her own. Maybe some time and some distance away from Storybrooke would help, would give her space to think clearly and assess her emotions. Figure out what kind of relationship to have with her parents and recognise that Regina wasn't suitable in any capacity.

The fact that she hadn't laughed out loud at Emma's pain and her infatuation should have scared her. But she sat quietly and pensively thinking about Emma and Henry and the mess they found themselves in. Maybe the sex had been a bad idea, but she couldn't bring herself to regret it, Emma had been right about that at least. It hadn't been faked and she had felt comfortable and relaxed and satisfied every single time. She smiled as she remembered and had to visibly shake herself as she stood up and focused on her sleeping son. She put the diary back with a rueful smile, it wouldn't do to get caught with that by Charming, she could just imagine his expression and how red his face would get when he read about the two of them being intimate together.


	3. Chapter 3

Last chapter for a little while, undecided whether to continue.

Little bit different in style and content, less diary entry from Emma and more about Regina.

Let me know if this works any better, worse or the same.

Thanks and enjoy.

* * *

Regina sat in the light of the camp fire and watched the movement of Emma's hand. She was leaned over her old battered notebook and scrawling into it. Regina chanced a look to her face, drawn in concentration but absorbed only in the page in front of her. Regina envied her, she couldn't focus on anything except the guilt and fear about Henry. She would embrace anything that might separate her thoughts, distract her for even a moment.

There were in Neverland and Regina had no idea where Emma was keeping the book hidden out of sight during the day but every night it had come out once they were settled round the fire. Emma would open it, find a blank space and often start scratching away with her pencil, sometimes looking out and away into the darkness before jotting down her thoughts in it. Sometimes she thought Emma was drawing, other times she would suck on the end of an old pencil thoughtfully for long periods of time before sighing and putting the book away without writing anything at all. And through all of it Regina subtly watched her.

Tonight Emma had been busy and then proceeded to tear the page out of the book, scrunching it into a ball in her fist and hurling it at the fire. She then settled down and lay starring at the foliage above her, trying to see through it and spot some stars before closing her eyes and searching for some sleep.

Regina knew sleep was hard fought for in Neverland, even more so if you had spent 28 years feeling abandoned and lost. She could only imagine Emma's struggle being here, the island was hot and humid and the magic hung heavy in the air, making it feel oppressively thick and cloying. The humidity was constant making relaxing and sleep difficult. And Pan, well he just kept toying with them.

She was certain that the blonde wasn't sleeping properly if at all, it was the exhausted look painted on her face that mirrored her own. Regina worried about Emma, glad she had the book to vent into at least. She was well aware Emma wouldn't speak to her, not about anything that mattered anyway, the apple turnover had sealed that avenue shut.

But she knew Emma and felt her emotions bubbling erratically, saw her worrying at her lip, clenching her hands to remain calm. The younger woman was biting her tongue, restraining barbed comments as her parent's ran around the island with hope and half-baked plans.

She knew Emma felt her parents could never understand so she didn't speak to them, and she was pushing herself further into a lonely existence. Regina recognised the signs, having been there. Emma needed an actual friend, someone to listen to her and bounce ideas off of, rather than a one-sided conversation with a diary.

And being lonely and struggling without support, that was when the magic called most strongly to the dark parts of your soul. Regina knew because she had succumbed when becoming The Evil Queen and was struggling again now in this god forsaken jungle. From her past reading of the diary she knew Emma had flirted with the darkness too and that this place might be a step too far, asking too much of a tired and damaged young woman.

Regina quickly decided to use magic to pull the paper away from the flames before they were able to catch hold of the paper and devour it. She dropped the balled paper at her feet, smothering the flames trying to lick over Emma's latest work. She wanted to know Emma's state of mind, whether she should be watching her more closely. She would look at the paper once everyone else had drifted off into what passed as sleep on the island.

Regina knew it was an invasion of the blonde's privacy, but she ignored the small sliver of guilt. She was doing this for the greater good, a broken Emma would be no good to Henry or their rescue plans.

She had also felt a tell-tale spark of magic from the younger woman, they had shared something when deactivating the trigger underneath the town. That could be dangerous and volatile even if they were in Storybrooke, let alone on this unpredictable island and Regina wondered if Emma had realised any of that for herself. Could the blonde feel the beat of magic in her veins? Did she just think it was part of being here in Neverland?

Regina wished she felt better, she needed a clear head and to be able to think. But she was tired and drained, still grieving for her Mother. She hurt from the torture she had been put through and her emotions were jumbled because Henry was missing, possibly in grave danger and she couldn't solve this alone. She might be ok if it was just her and Emma, but she had the Imp here who she didn't really trust and then the two romantic love sick idiots as well. Plus Hook, who was leering at Emma like she was a regular tavern wench, befriending Charming and had been instrumental in her capture by the boy turned man, Greg Mendell.

Emma was the only one she trusted and Emma was looking shaken. It meant that she was always on edge, all her senses were heightened but she couldn't remember a time when she had felt this exhausted or when it had mattered now to rise above it.

She was determined and she would fight for Henry until she dropped, but she was scared she might not have the strength this time and leaving Henry's fate to Snow or Charming kept her awake during the long nights.

What was worse was that she felt the strangle hold of the black magic that surrounded Neverland. It was a dark and exotic place, a place that built her frustration and made her dreams when she was asleep twisted into vibrant nightmares, more realistic than anything she had previously experienced even when living at home with mother. It was slowly draining the life from her, shattering her resolve and she hated that they were going round in circles. The frustration and endlessness seeped deeply into her. She was strong and she never gave up, but this place was sorely pushing her and she had to fight, fight, fight to keep going.

She sighed into the night, into a forest that was never silent or peaceful, and never allowed her to feel comfortable and to settle. She always kept her magic close to the surface, expecting an attack from any angle at any time. It was exhausting even if she had been fit and healthy, but she wasn't. She was reeling from her Mother's death and Snow's hand in it. Snow, who was meant to be good and honest and true and whose heart she had held in her hand on her porch. And instead of crushing it she had put it back and sent Snow on her way. Now they were sharing a camp and trying not to lose already frayed tempers. She couldn't question that decision, it was done now. But it kept replaying when everyone was asleep and fighting her own memories and poor decisions was taking energy she didn't have to spare.

Regina would never admit to anyone how drained she felt, but it had been made worse by the torture she had been through. And that replayed in the lonely hours of the night too. And part of her knew she might have deserved it, so she tried never to linger too long on it. She pushed violently away the memories of a young boy and his long dead father, killed needlessly by a woman eaten up by anger, jealousy and vengeance.

She only admitted to herself in those moments how scared she had been and how much pain she had endured when being electrocuted, that it had been searingly intense and she was certain only her magic had saved her from death. The pain and punishment was probably worse than anything her mother had ever dished out but she couldn't think about that either. Not the torment her mother put her through when she was still growing up or the fact that the woman was now dead and buried, laying cold in the ground. It all just hurt, some less intense and dulled by time, but still painful reminders her life hadn't been easy.

There didn't seem to be any respite from the negativity and bad thoughts, but maybe she might get a few minutes of calm reading Emma's words. So she waited patiently keeping the page hidden, rolling her shoulders under her blazer in a vain attempt to relax her stiff shoulders and relieve the tension causing her headache.

She couldn't change the past, she needed to come to terms with it and focus on the task at hand. Neverland was playing with them all, it was a vile place but she needed to remain positive. She could take comfort that she had survived everything life had thrown at her, she was strong and determined, she still had her magic and they had managed to cross realms to get here. They would be able to find and help Henry. And once that was accomplished she would have time to heal, she just needed to be patient. Once he was safe, she told herself. Until then he was all that mattered and her broken body would have to wait. She would find the strength, she had to.

She knew Emma watched her and was concerned, but they had danced round each other since the younger woman had returned from the Enchanted Forest. Regina had seen her looking at her with something like longing from across the Diner once or twice, but Emma had hurt her when she hadn't believed her about Archie and she had cut the blonde out of her life unless it related to Henry.

Regina didn't know why she cared what the blonde thought, she tried to tell herself she didn't and it was because Emma was feeding lies to Henry, but the brunette did care about Emma's perception of her. And seeing the diary, even though she knew it was wrong, she acknowledged she was impatient to see what Emma had written recently.

Soon everyone had settled for the night and Regina stood and walked out of the make shift area and into the undergrowth. She found a tree stump and settled to look at the page Emma had discarded. She cast a few balls of light upwards from her hand to illuminate things as the undergrowth was dense and the moon did nothing to light the area.

As she unballed it the air left her chest at the sketch she saw and the quality of the drawing. It was of her, just a profile picture, but the shading and balance Emma had used was perfect, as good as some of the royal portraits she had commissioned when she was Queen with too much time on her hands a lifetime ago.

And below it the words of a song or poem, Regina wasn't sure which.

I could hold out my hand but you'd never take it

I could offer you my heart but you'd ignore it

I fear we had our chance and it has passed

And it haunts me, just like your beauty

I ache from the weight of carrying unspoken words

I burn when I remember the skim of your fingertips

Longing grips me when I think of your lips against mine

And desire melts into every emotion I feel

You twist into me with just a sharp look

But you can sooth with your honeyed voice

And I miss you, stood here watching from the side-lines

But you were never mine and I realise that now

Regina read and reread the words. About her, about a relationship that had never been. Their relationship, if you could call the twisted sex that. And if she was honest deep down, at times it had been more than sex, an occasional gentle touch that had warmed her heart. She could still remember the breathy way Emma would say her name, but she quickly cut off that train of thought.

She couldn't have committed to any kind of relationship, she had vowed never to love again after Daniel. Both to honour their love and his memory but also to protect herself from the heartache that always followed loving someone. Regina thought back to Emma's previous words, her Player persona had grown from a broken heart, much like The Evil Queen had done for Regina. Obviously Regina had taken her persona to a wholly different level but still the similarities were there.

So they both knew better than to pursue love and to want more. Love always hurt. Regina had learned to shun love, it was weakness as her mother had continually told her. Despite that she still had needs and Emma was very good at satisfying them, and that was where the line had become blurred. Regina's past had been filled with casual and meaningless encounters, only Graham had been anything more and he had been at her command. Emma was completely different, having control of her heart and had come willingly into her bed. And it was the longest she had shared her bed with anyone except her husband, who she was adamant didn't count.

She had enjoyed being with Emma, found her passionate and talented. She looked forward to the nightly visits and the blonde obviously shared those sentiments. The problem was that it had started as a one night thing that they had allowed to become two and then three until it was a regular occurrence. And as it became familiar, the falling into her bed over and over again and Emma had let her guard down and allowed feelings to creep in.

Looking back down at the page she recognised the words were Emma's truth and she had needed to say them. And the picture above them was beautiful, that was where Emma's talent obviously lay, she was creative and artistic and Regina would have complimented her if there was any way to do so. The fact Emma had crafted something, spent her time and energy and then wanted to burn the page as if it never existed made Regina sad. She guessed Emma had always kept that side of herself and any skills she had with a pencil hidden, no-one in the care system probably cared enough to look. Emma just didn't know how good she was. Or maybe it was metaphorical and Emma wanted to burn the page, destroy it like she wished she could destroy and discard her feelings for the brunette.

And that rang true. Regina had an idea both of them might wish their sexual relationship had never happened. You couldn't miss something if you had never had it and Regina knew she missed Emma's touch, her easy affection and talented tongue. She'd give the blonde that, she knew how to please.

As for Emma, she probably wondered why Regina hadn't told Snow by now, there was always that possibility and it must worry her from time to time. But not enough to regret it, judging from the words she had written earlier that night.

Regina stood and folded the paper carefully, placing it in her blazer pocket. She crept back to the fire and settled for the night. She still didn't know if Emma was strong enough to survive Neverland but she did know that Emma was stubborn. Stubborn enough to still want her, stubborn that she wouldn't let go of her feelings. And stubborn enough to still be fighting sleep as her eyes shone it the dying firelight and followed the brunette back to her makeshift bed.


	4. Chapter 4

So I marked this as complete, but wanted to continue.

I hope you agree with my decision, still has angst and mentions of a SwanQueen relationship.

Still mature, this one might be skirting round the edge of some sexual content.

* * *

Regina instinctively knew the place she found herself in was different. She was no longer in her castle room or her bed.

For a brief moment, before her attention shifts, she looks round. She notices the difference in the lighting, soft and constant, it doesn't flicker like a paraffin lamp or candle light.

The mattress beneath her feels soft but springy, it has some give to it and isn't solid like the straw stuffed one she had fallen asleep on. The sheet is soft against her skin, not the rough hemp she had finally become used to from the castle laundry. The word "Fine" in the Enchanted Forest being nowhere near as fine as the silks and satins she had grown accustomed to in the cursed world.

The furniture too is different, both in style and substance, and the walls are decorated and covered in colours. There is no exposed bricks or stonework, no varnished wood, no hanging tapestries. This place is so different from her bed chamber, her room in the castle was always dark. She always kept the drapes closed and the furnishings sparse. Maybe that was to match her mood, her life that felt empty without Henry in it. She pushes that away, sadness always follows thoughts like that.

This new place is full of brightness, colour and light but is also cluttered with clothes and furniture. She immediately notices that the dimensions, a low ceiling, square walls that make the room a much smaller space then her bed chamber, but it manages to feel warmer and more homely. She can relax here, it is comforting to her.

She reasons that this must be a place in the cursed world, electricity exists in this place, not magic. She feels it in the air, it just tastes different.

She sees a window and she is certain the slim amount of skyline she can see is for a place called New York. But her focus is pulled from the window because she isn't alone. She feels the whisper of a touch against her thighs, the swipe of a tongue against her centre. Her eyes focus on the long blonde hair nestled between her legs, the head bobbing as the woman works with her mouth to bring The Queen pleasure.

She sighs, falling back against the pillows and unfamiliar headboard and thinks that magic does exist in this world, only it isn't the type that fills her veins with darkness, it is rather in the talents of the beautiful woman working at her clit with her tongue and teeth. She relishes the skill of her lover and lets the physical sensations build. Her hips rock and she moans from deep in her throat as she feels the woman teasing round her entrance with first her tongue and then her fingertips.

She can feel the coil, the tension building and spreading from her centre. She is being touched by an experienced hand, like the blonde knows her body and her deepest desires. She is close to losing control, her body being played expertly and it feels as if the blonde had spent years warming her bed. The talented woman begins to suck on her clit with purpose as if she can sense the urgency growing in The Queen's body.

After she comes, shaking and shuddering, her lover lifts her head and smiles gently at her, the pale pink lips lifting before planting a soft kiss against her thigh. As the younger woman licks over her lips and tastes the arousal staining them the smile turns into a smug grin, which Regina recognises so very well and it hurts her heart to see it.

Their eyes lock, the beautiful blonde holds her gaze, eyes filled with warmth and love. And The Queen breathes out her name, a name she doesn't speak anymore because to talk about her causes memories she can't bear. To remember her means she remembers a young boy that ties them both together and she miss them both so very much. But still the brunette utters the name of her lover. It falls almost unbidden from her lips, "Emma."

The younger woman's smile is radiant but she begins to fade as The Queen recognizes she is waking up. Back to the cold, large and dark room with rough sheets and an empty bed.

* * *

The Queen shifted on her lumpy mattress, the dream fading quickly as she laid there with her heart beating strongly. It had felt so real in the dream and she knows she is painfully aroused, her breath coming quickly as she tries to calm herself.

It was guilt of course, causing her to dream of Emma in an apartment in New York. The fact that she had given the blonde woman good memories and enough money and their shared son to keep safe wasn't enough to stop her missing them. She spent hours every day feeling guilty about changing the memories of the past Emma held in her head. To remove her parents, a town of friends, a lonely childhood and a devious Evil Queen lover from her knowledge probably wasn't right, but Regina knew she had done it for the best. She couldn't risk Henry being alone, and she had done her best to give them both a chance at being happy.

It still ate at her, not having them close. The dream a manifestation of something she only occasionally admitted to herself when she was alone, she wasn't sure she had done the right thing. Not for Snow, not for Charming, not for Emma, Henry or herself. Emma had always said her parents were at fault for putting her in the wardrobe, for sending her away to grow up alone. And Regina had sent her away again, of course Emma wasn't alone now and she had better memories and money and Henry to love her. So the situation wasn't the same, but it caused a conflict in the brunette and tears to spring to her eyes when she thought of her son's loving face and sparkling eyes. Eyes she wasn't sure she'd ever see again.

I was worse than just losing Henry, because Emma had also become her friend recently. They had shared family dinners and sometimes drinks after Henry had gone to bed. And during one evening Emma had shared some of her twisted past, her bitterness at being thrust into a magical wardrobe to find her own way in life, all on the say so of some fateful prophesy.

They had conversed late into the night discussing the curse and Regina had apologised for her part in it and graciously Emma had accepted that, had looked at her with forgiveness in her kind eyes. And it had helped cement their friendship, building the trust that was growing between them.

So Regina well knew Emma's feelings on the subject of the curse and how she sometimes wished she'd rather have been cursed but together with her parents, rather than scared and alone in a world never knowing where she came from or why she had been abandoned.

Regina had tried to explain that Emma would most likely have been killed if Charming hadn't got her into the wardrobe, at her own murderous and blood soaked hands no less. And that even if she had survived she would never have grown up, let alone been together with Snow and Charming under the Dark Curse. Regina having to explain in painful detail that suffering and obliterating happiness was the point of the curse. To destroy everyone's spirit, to punish their rebellion, to split families up, to freeze time and keep the monotony absolute. And she felt guilty then, knowing everyone had suffered for Snow White's mistake and her rage. But it was done and she was now trying to make amends as best she could. She would always be grateful that Emma and Henry saw her trying and their belief in her was enough to take the edge off the guilt, allowing her to live with herself.

As she recounted the worst parts of the curse, mentioning her rage at finding the wardrobe empty was when Emma had downed her drink and then sat quietly, trying to work through her emotions. Her anger at Snow and Charming, and definitely the fallen Queen. Regina knew her part in it, her blame and her guilt, but she watched Emma lift her head and smile at her and was dumbfounded why.

"You apologised, you recognise it was wrong and you're sorry for putting me through it." Was Emma's answer. And then Regina understood. Snow, Charming, they still believed what they had done was right, they weren't sorry for their actions because Emma broke the curse, she had fulfilled her destiny. They wouldn't or couldn't apologise because to them the end result was positive, good had won, the Evil Queen had been defeated.

And with their naïve attitude and belief in good magic and their self absorbing True Love they hadn't seen Emma's hurt, her pain about her past. All her parents cared about was that their daughter had returned to be the Saviour she was destined to be.

And now Regina had given Emma up, pushed her away, in effect shoved her into another wardrobe, and she hated herself even as she tried to justify it all.

It was still dark outside, and yet the brunette knew sleep wasn't an option. She had too many thoughts running rampant in her head and she needed to find a way to order them. With a rueful smile, she knew what would help her and used her magic to summon the ink pot, the quill and a fine, leather bound book to her. Emma had taught her something at least, when you are lonely and have no-one you can seriously trust, it helps to vent somehow and a page is better than leaving the emotions festering.

She opened a blank page and began, the candle light flickering and she wished this world was more advanced. She missed her bedside lamp and flushing toilet, her soft slippers, even her kitchen. She took a breath and began, her cursive script flowing easily onto the fresh page.

 _I would never be so stupid to write anything down, at least not without a glamour to disfigure it. I could never keep a diary, not like Emma does. And Emma seems unaware of the danger. There are people it would be disastrous if they found her diary, Snow, Charming, Me._

 _I guess she thinks her parents would never do that, invade her privacy like that, but she doesn't know Snow like I do. She struggles with secrets, promises, interfering. It would serve her right to find out I had been intimate with her darling daughter, but for Emma's sake I won't be leading her in that direction._

 _What we shared was private, Snow does not need to know. And Emma's sexual preferences are her own business. I was obviously not the first woman she had been with, but Emma needs to be the one to shatter her mother's dreams of a Prince sweeping her away with a happy ending. It isn't my job to do that for her even if I would take great pleasure spelling it out to her oblivious mother. And she is oblivious because Emma's eyes followed me around for far too long with a dangerous and predatory glint that could clearly be seen._

 _Even in Neverland when she started to entertain the pirate, her eyes would land on me too often and she would grudgingly drag them away. And I ignored it, concerned for my son and deciding I didn't need the messiness of a lover when my own emotions were still so eratic after Mother's death. Was that a mistake? I can't undo it now, so it doesn't matter._

 _Emma was a revelation, and I can admit to myself that it began as a game but soon moved past that. Reading Emma's diary at least confirmed that we were both equally invested and she was as twisted into knots about that as I was. She was worried what would happen when the curse broke, whether I returned her feelings and how Henry brought back her fear over past choices. My knots were harder to explain, every move I made while the curse was intact was protective. It was attacking, violent, and yet when the bedroom door closed I changed and so did our dynamic and that frightened me. I was scared by Henry's hatred of me, and fearful about the curse breaking, and yet Emma had a way of making me forget all of that in those nights we were together._

 _And Emma was going to leave Storybrooke and I tried to poison her just to be certain she would be gone. It would have forced a separation between us, one I needed to give me time. Because in time I could completely deny my own feelings, I could have found my strength. But it all backfired and then neither of us were able to communicate our feelings. Emma hid and wrote hers down and I pulled away, all the while smiling falsely, denying how invested I had been._

 _And now, how long we have been dancing round each other? So long the opportunity has passed us by. I feel sad about that, because at times we were beautiful together. Now we aren't just separated by a few streets and family history, and a long and bitter feud between good and evil. We are realms apart and she only exists in my dreams. Dreams that feel so real, are so close to being fulfilling._

 _If Snow knew I often woke with her daughter's name on my lips then our new found truce would be sorely tested, I believe she would become the fiercely protective mother Emma never had when growing up. And I recognise that as the shame it is. Emma may never know how important she was to her parents, how they ached to protect her and look after her. She was wanted, loved and never truly abandoned. It was just circumstance that took her away from them, circumstances that were manipulated by me and I will always wonder why fate is so cruel. Snow loved her child and they were forced apart._

 _The flip side of that coin is my family, My Mother, who's love was questionable at best. She was allowed to bring me up and shower me with her brand of dedication, love and unique parenting skills. I may have been better off if she had abandoned me. I'm sure if Snow found out about Emma and I she would react badly, but eventually calm down and be rational. I know if my Mother was alive the experience would be frightening, hearts couldn't be ripped out as Emma's was protected, but I'm certain she'd try. My own mother would never tolerate a same sex relationship. She barely tolerated me at all, so that would be the ultimate disappointment, turning my back on tradition, embarrassing my Mother and the family name by indulging in wanton and depraved behaviour._

 _That Emma made me happy wouldn't matter, so I should be thankful Mother is gone and never to find out. And the blonde did make me happy, Emma gave me something that had been missing for so long. She accepted me, satisfied me, and made me happy with her touch so freely given. There wasn't a sovereign duty commanding her to caress me and please me._

 _And although I regret parts of the curse, not least sacrificing my father and hurting Emma for 28 years, I can't regret Henry or the world we landed in. A world where things were different, medicine existed and healed illnesses easily. A world where all children were educated and it wasn't just for the rich. A world that, for the most part, existed in peace. There were no Ogres to fight and countless peasants weren't thrown into a battle they had no hope of winning or returning from. A world where magic didn't corrupt and blacken your soul and where a young boy's smile could light my life._

 _It was also a world that accepted a same sex relationship, so our relationship wasn't the taboo my mother would have made it in this land. Emma and I could have been together, not a fallen Queen and a young Princess, but two women who wanted to try and raise their son together. We could have been the Mayor and the Sheriff working together as best they could, with no-one judging them for their poor decisions because they weren't royalty, they weren't expected to know all the answers. Only I know that isn't true. Emma had the title Saviour, and that would have put a strain on her, and any relationship she wanted with me. She was expected to know all the answers, and to defeat the villains, myself included. So our relationship would still have been taboo, just not for the same reasons. It would have been forbidden because of my past, a past I can't regret because it had given me Henry._

 _Our lives seem destined to cross, to intertwine, but never be easy. I don't want to regret the sex either, even if it made things difficult and harder in the long term. The depth of feelings Emma sparked in me reminded me I was still alive, that 28 years of monotony weren't pointless and that my past was just that. I changed for her, even if briefly and only in heated moments between the sheets. She helped to continue what her son had started, she helped fill the void in my heart. I won't deny it anymore, because both of them are gone but they are fiercely remembered. It would be an injustice to her memory to deny the pleasure she brought me, to deny the smile she helped put on my face. So I won't deny it, but I can't embrace the memories either, they are still fresh and hurt too much. They remind me of what is missing, my family._

 _I always believed a diary was an indulgence, that they were for people who lacked the ability to make decisions. They were for hesitant people, people wanting validation for their actions. And here I am writing one. It shows the depth of the change in me, shows how much Henry and Emma have been able to influence me and turned me towards a path of goodness and redemption. I just wish with all my heart they were here to see it, because without them it is so very hard to keep strong and remain positive._

She closed the book and waved her hand. The leather shimmered then disappeared, hidden from view and she took a breath. She did feel a little better, she was tired but felt less distracted. She could face the day, long and lonely, but she would make it. She was a better person, and she owed that to her family and she wasn't going to let them down.


	5. Chapter 5

Another chapter update, I know it has diverged somewhat from the original summary I posted, but this chapter goes back to Emma's POV.

Hope it still holds your interest and any reviews and comments are always well received.

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 _"Robin's my Soulmate." She told me._

 _I swear she was watching me carefully because despite not speaking about it, we both knew our sexual history was complicated. She was studying me, gauging my reactions._

 _The words felt like a hammer blow on my heart. I forced a smile to my lips, "That's great, we all need someone to talk to and to hold us when we are sad." I tried to make my words sound like I am happy for her, like I meant them._

 _I felt the dull ache in my chest, my eyes were already tired from a long day at work, the reading of reports on the old computer screen straining my eyes and I could feel the unshed tears that settled there, a burning sting._

 _Was it really all in my head? Had the recent flirting really all just been me seeing something that wasn't actually there? She gave me her memories, she kept me safe from the last curse. I can still see her sadness, her eyes shining as we got in my car and drove away, surely that wasn't all just for Henry? I thought she was going to miss me too, and that maybe, just maybe what we had shared wasn't dead. That we had a chance. I swear she was in my dreams when we were in New York, and maybe I was always more invested, wanted her more, but damn it we were good together. There was a spark and chemistry and I didn't make that up._

 _"If he hurts you, I'll run him over in my car." I tried to joke. She arched an eyebrow at that remark, the smirk implied. She was probably wondering if my poor old VW could manage that. After all her loathing of my little yellow car was legendary._

 _And in her self-protecting shell of sarcasm, she doesn't realise I might actually be serious, that I might care about her enough to hurt someone who has hurt her. But I'm not her Saviour, her Champion or defender. She picked him for that and I do at least know why. He is strong and handsome and has some sense of morality. He is a ready-made family with Roland. And he says he can forgive her past and I just hope he gives her what she needs and stands by his words._

 _I looked at her, watched her smile light up her face. This path, it is what she wants, what she deserves. There was a sparkle in her eyes that had almost always been missing before but I recognised it. It confirmed to me she was happy because I used to see that sparkle. t used to be directed at me when we were pressed close during those heated nights together._

 _And I miss being able to bring her that look and my heart clenches again._

 _I can't, I mustn't be selfish over this. She has been hurt and alone for so long, wanting to love but being so very scared to. With the fairy dust and some gentle persuasion it has given her the confidence to try, just not with me. The why of that statement is never going to be answered, it will be a forever unasked question. Why I wasn't good enough, why she didn't want to take a chance with me, I won't ever know. And the fact that she chose him, I could let that burrow and eat into me, but I won't. That would be further torture, I need to be an adult and accept. I need to tell her to embrace this, to give it a chance but earlier the words had stuck in my throat._

 _I was deluded, and that makes this my problem. My hopes and dreams only existed in my head, so now I have to take control and deal with the out of control thoughts. I was foolish, creating a fantasy reality where I opened up to her and was honest about my feelings and we gave it another chance. It wasn't real, and now will never be, not if her and Robin are destined to be together._

 _I had hoped that maybe, given enough time - one day I could have become brave and shared my feelings with her, my desire for her, my love. I had hoped life might throw me a second chance. I thought I had time to tell her how I still craved her, how much I missed her. But when had life ever done that for me? Second chances weren't something I was used to, so why would this have been any different? Besides, I would never be seriously considered as a partner, as a lover._

 _Her life has been planned out since she was born, her Mother manipulating and crafting her greatest and grandest design – learn to be a lady, arranging her marriage, finally become a Queen. And she had fulfilled that, so why would she lower herself to be with me? I might be royal by birth but I had been dragged up through my life with little more than my name. He is fallen nobility, a much more suited match._

 _As I metaphorically kick myself I ask - Why did I fall for someone I knew I couldn't have? Why did I let myself dream? What is wrong with me? Did I really think I was that much of a catch that she would turn away from the stability of being with a man, of having children, a family? She had been brought up with traditional ideas and arrangements and I had been at best a plaything and never a serious choice._

 _No, I didn't think I was fantastic relationship material, I was damaged and a risk, but I know the pleasure was real. I know what we shared was fulfilling and I can admit to myself I hoped it might go somewhere, might eventually have become serious. And serious it did become, but only because the curse broke and reality hit me hard. Finding a family, a lover who wanted me dead and magic. Scary, powerful magic which equalled Dragons, Wraiths, The Dark One, Pan and Cora._

 _It wasn't the way I thought things would end between us, because we shared a connection, it was powerful and shouldn't have been so easily extinguished. We were so similar, I know I'm damaged but so was she and it joined us and made us stronger together somehow. But she shut me out and that was it, over before I really understood that I wanted more._

 _And now, I had gotten caught up in her aura again. We were becoming close, talking like friends, sharing experiences and being comfortable together. And I was waiting to make my move, to try and rekindle something. It might not have been necessarily serious, not a relationship, but I had wanted another chance. Another kiss, another caress, anything. I would have taken anything she had to offer but I had been thrown away then and ignored since and it always bothered me because it felt unfinished._

 _I know what the problems is, I used the word "think" – I didn't think at all, it was an emotional and physical response to her body, rather than my head taking over and leading me away from her. Had I been thinking it never would have happened at all because I knew she was dangerous. I knew and still went to her, willingly, so maybe I deserve this pain._

 _I was ensnared since that first night, I hardly fought the feelings because it had been too long since someone had whispered they wanted me, so I let my guard down, chasing the feelings she brought out in me. And somehow my stupid and bruised heart began to beat for her, maybe it had just been too long since someone had tugged at my heartstrings and I was always going to fall. Whatever it was I couldn't deny the burning physical response as I felt her hand on my cheek caressing it, her lips against mine, a warm hand cupping my breast and circling a nipple. Just remembering it makes my heart beat faster and my breathing become more raged._

 _I can't explain the frustration inside of me, the disappointment and the way it is simmering, threatening to boil over and lash out at someone. Robin, that dark part of me whispers, lash out at Robin. And even I know that this isn't his fault. He doesn't know about me, and the fact I'm not with Regina is no-one's fault but my own. I have been cowardly hiding, writing my feelings in a book rather than telling her. Had I told her, and she picked him, then maybe I'd have some right to feel slighted, but right now, I know is an unreasonable reaction._

 _So if I can't blame anyone but myself I will stew on it, internalising even though I know that is a bad way to be. And it feeds on itself, so ultimately I question other decisions. Ones where I examine when I lost the ability to be a good judge of character. I used to read people well, when did that change? How could I have misread this so badly? We forged a truce as two magical users and shared Henry and that was all it was. The conversations and dinners were just her being nice to me, being a friend, that was all._

 _And it was me being a fool, looking at her with hunger and need in my eyes, I was reaching out for something that was missing from my life, but could never openly admit. I was missing a friend too, and should be grateful to have her in my life in that capacity, but I still feel like my heart has been stamped on. I can trace the evolution of my feelings and my hope that this might develop into more, and it scares me to say that it was my desperation that allowed me to read too much into it all, but now I will stand tall, take ownership of it and pay the price._

 _So now I've got to put my desires to one side and still be her friend, I can't change the way I am with her, I don't want her to know what the last few months have been like. I felt us getting close, like we had once been before a curse broke everything apart. I thought we were heading somewhere together, and ok I won't lie, I hoped it was into her bed._

 _I became lost as I looked forward to seeing her, how I spent time in the mornings picking out an outfit and curling my hair. How I dressed up to impress, how I made excuses to visit her, things like hand delivered reports to her office. I had changed my vocabulary with her too, once we were alone and I pushed my luck with the comments and things I said. Flirting dangerously, pushing, pushing, pushing and yet with the safety net that always allowed me to pull back and say I was joking._

 _I'm not sure I can do friendship, I'm really not. Not seeing them together and listening to him make her laugh. And I'm a hypocrite, because I have my own boy toy, but I have my own reasons for that. He helps balance my insecurities, insecurities she has helped create. I won't say I'm using him, because I care about him and he is kind (at least to me) and makes me feel wanted. I'm not heartless, but I know I have settled with Hook. He doesn't set the world on fire, and unfortunately I know someone who does. The passion and fire between us was all consuming, engulfing us both. But it is the past and I must learn to let go. She has moved on and Robin is her choice. I need to accept and respect that, despite it curdling in my stomach and making me jealous beyond words._

 _Where is that fake smile? I stood there earlier searching for it as she studied my face and I think I managed to pull it off. I couldn't say any of the things I wanted to her, so I made an excuse and walked briskly away. Running again Swan, always taking the easy way out. Avoiding the problem, that's bound to make it better._

 _But in my defence, I'm tired and broken, and this will take energy I am not sure I can find, the act I'll have to put on, the pretence. I feel bitter, angry laughter trying to rise up from my throat so I clamp down on it. As I walked away earlier I shoved my hands further into my pockets, letting my shoulders sag just a little and I let my tired head drop so my eyes studied the sidewalk. I can't be that broken person here though. In Storybrooke I am The Saviour and so I walked home slowly, taking my time to order my thoughts and bury my feelings, breathing deeply the cool, crisp, fresh air. It was a battle, but then that is familiar scenario._

 _Because from the minute I arrived here in town there has always been someone or something to battle against. Always another fight, another sleepless night, a meeting of town leaders to attend and reassure. Yes I was in a town of fairy tale characters, it was never going to be conventional, but it never seems to stop. From Regina at the start desperately lashing out to protect her curse, then Cora, Pan, Rumple and his demands and Zelena there hasn't been time to rest. Then there was learning about magic, dealing with a pregnant mother and an amnesiac child._

 _At least there was plenty to distract me from my crush. But it was a distraction and I certainly hadn't been working through my feelings so I could move on. She still crept through my mind when I was least expecting it, the musky scent of her perfume still caused indecent thoughts and my skin to pebble in goose bumps._

 _I will just take lots of deep breaths, I've been through worse and come out the other side. Time doesn't stop, it marches on regardless and with it I will heal – it is just hard being stuck in the middle right now with it raw and hurting. However wrong it is, maybe I'll ring Hook and we can get drunk, his strong arms round me. He is a poor second choice, but as long as he doesn't know he is second choice, then maybe I can make it work. Another distraction? At least he wants me, and that is what I need, he won't hurt me or chose someone else._

 _I bite my lip, he probably deserves better, I probably deserve better, but these are the roles we find ourselves in, and I am too tired to shake that part of my life up now. I need stability and to feel love, so I'll pull out my phone and send him a message to meet later._

Emma put the pen down and closed the battered book. She stood and stretched, crossing to the fridge and pulling a beer from the shelf. She opened it over the sink, knowing they often foamed up and spilt. She looked down and let the tears fall, splashing against the metal. It was stupid and she only indulged for a moment before she cuffed her cheeks dry and taking a glug from the bottle wandered back to the sofa. She sunk into the material and grabbed her phone, sending Killian a message.


	6. Chapter 6

Last update for a little while.

Thanks for reviewing/following/faving - I hope you are enjoying the ride.

Taken some artistic license with the show and canon - but then don't all of us who want SwanQueen endgame? Mostly as per the show.

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Regina's fisted hand hurt, she had repeatedly hammered it into the surface of her desk with her anger and frustration and now she knew it was going to bruise and she was scared to try and un-ball it because that was going to hurt too.

However unbecoming it was to lose your temper and to physically assault her desk, Regina knew everyone was lucky she had changed and was pummelling her desk rather than a poor unsuspecting person. However she knew that inflicting harm on someone else would be far more satisfying than the throbbing ache in her hand and part of her wished she hadn't turned her back on the darkness.

As the door to her office opened and the reason for her anger poked her head inside Regina very nearly reverted to inflicting bodily harm.

"Regina, I'm sorry." The blonde didn't enter the room, she stayed safely out of reach, knowing she had messed up massively this time. She shuffled from foot to foot, her nervousness obvious and her face sombre. She knew bringing back Marion wasn't just something she could say sorry about and expect to be forgiven. She studied the floor, waiting for a response.

Emma had watched Regina walk away and knew well enough from the look on her face and the body posture, that it was all fake. The straight back and emotionless face, none of it was true. She was hurt and broken and running away as fast as possible to lick her wounds. Wounds Emma wished she had not inflicted. Things were finally beginning to settle, they were working as a proper family unit, and Emma had even got used to Robin and Roland being around. She enjoyed that they could discuss Henry without snarling and snapping at each other and Emma had enjoyed being able to rely on Regina and go to her with her magic problems. Now everything was ruined and the blonde knew she had caused this. There were no words to fix this, but equally, she didn't know what else would fix it either.

As Regina released her hand and felt it throb, she laid it flat on the desk. She pushed at the anger, trying to clear her head a little, and felt it recede a fraction. She was so tense, it was like her temper was stretched taut inside her, ready to snap and she rolled her shoulders trying to relax just enough. She needed to get Emma to leave before she shouted, before the bottled emotions exploded, before her magic reacted. She thought of Henry and the white hot feeling dimmed just slightly, allowing her to ignore the temptation of hurting the blonde woman. Deep down she knew she needed to accept what had happened, she also knew she just wasn't ready to do that right now.

She pushed the door shut with magic, pushing the blonde out and locking the door. She expected more of a response but Emma was more than aware what she had done and backed off. She didn't try and access the office again, she didn't bang on the door. She had taken in the shattered look on Regina's face, and had walked as far as the secretary's desk before she had placed her hand on the desk and leaned her weight on it, taking a deep breath and trying to ease the guilty feeling she had sitting in her gut.

Regina sat there, and as the anger leaked away the void was filled with sadness. She hadn't even been noticed as she walked away from the happily reunited family. Her Soul Mate, her choice, hadn't wanted her. He had immediately dropped her to fawn over his wife and it felt like history repeating itself. She had allowed herself to love only for it to be cruelly taken away. Daniel at Snow's hand and now Robin at her daughter's. Regina wondered why she was fatefully tied to this family that seemed incapable of leaving things well enough alone, they had to meddle and their actions always ended up hurting her.

She hated being self-pitying, but she felt how unfair this was. Certainly she had killed Marion and that was wrong, but it was a life-time ago. Maybe this was her penance for all the blood spilt, for all the shattered lives and broken families she had created while ruling the Enchanted Forest. Maybe she was never to be happy, to forever have her dreams taken away. The tears came, hot and salty, falling fast as she choked back a sob. If this was her life now, if she was to be single and alone, she would face it as she always had done, but she would need just a few moments for herself. She would find her composure soon, she adapted and adjusted quickly, but right now she just felt the painful wound that was her smashed heart. And it hurt. Hurt so much, fuelling the tears that were falling.

Emma stood by the desk, within earshot of the locked office door knowing she was unwelcome and with her stomach in knots. The feeling wasn't eased any with the quiet sobbing she could hear coming through the door to the office, making her want to cry too because she had only tried to do what she thought was best. She had tried really hard and every time she messed something up. It was just like being a child again, everything she did was never good enough, and no matter how hard she tried she failed to get any love or respect from her foster families.

And her parents were going to congratulate her over this and be syrupy sweet and Emma knew she didn't deserve it. She had taken something away from Regina, and she hated herself for it. She didn't need cajoling and coddling, she needed to be shouted at, and she deserved to suffer like she had made the brunette on the other side of the door. Emma, more than anyone else, knew how hard it was to find love and how long Regina had spent looking and fighting the feeling in case she got hurt. She had finally given in and allowed Robin into her heart, for Emma to waltz in and destroy what had been growing and developing between the two of them.

No amount of time with Henry was going to help this time, because although Regina loved Henry, the type of love wasn't the same. Henry wasn't going to wrap his mother up in his arms and keep her warm at night, he wasn't going to be there to defend and protect her forever like a lover would promise.

A lover like she used to be. And Emma might never be that to the woman anymore, but she did know her, intimately. She knew Regina won't ask for it but right now she needed help and support. This had been a huge shock, a massive change in everyone's life and when that happened to anyone it helped to talk things through. Emma knew Regina didn't trust people and there were limited options for her to have someone listen and comfort her, offer her advice or just soak up her words patiently. There were even fewer who she would allow to see her cry or to give her a hug, but Emma thought she needed a friend now so she spun on her heel and used her own magic to open the door. She didn't stop, she had made up her mind. Coming up behind Regina she put her arms round the shuddering frame and pulled her close.

For a moment the brunette tensed and her breathing stopped completely before Emma was violently shoved away and then the anger Emma knew lived inside the brunette exploded. Her eyes, while wet with tears were on fire, blazing with barely restrained hatred.

 _Good_ , Emma thought. _This is a person I recognise, one I can deal with. And it is what I deserve._

"Don't touch me." The older woman hissed, as she stood from her chair and came at the blonde. "I made it clear you weren't welcome in here. What makes you think you can invade my space? It is your title of Saviour, has it stoked your ego to the point you think there is nothing you can't do?"

Emma refused to take a step back, she watched Regina come at her, spitting words of anger and hatred.

"This is my office, and you will learn that you only enter when invited. This is an act of trespass, _Sheriff_." There was a curled lip, as the brunette snarled the blonde's title.

"I wanted to comfort you, to explain." Emma held the gaze, despite knowing the seething sea of emotions staring back at her didn't want to hear her voice. Regina just wanted her gone. Well Emma had other ideas, she wasn't going anywhere.

"What is there to explain, My Blonde Beauty?"

And Emma did tense at that, she hadn't heard Regina call her that for over a year, since they had stopped sharing a bed.

"Am I to believe you didn't know who it was you were bringing back? Am I honestly meant to embrace the idea it was an accident? Do you think me that stupid?"

The brunette was in full Evil Queen flow, Emma recognised it, it was so clear as the blonde had seen it in the Enchanted Forest less than 24 hours ago. Now her friend, her co-parent, and the woman she was still in love with was inhabiting a role she had been trying to turn her back on since her curse had been broken. Emma wasn't scared for herself, but she was frightened how far Regina might go in this frame of mind. She was hurt and that made her volatile and unpredictable. It made her revert to a past persona for protection. And Emma knew when she calmed down and was rational again, she might be unable to live with the consciences of her actions.

Emma refused to be intimidated. "I didn't know who she was, I just saw an innocent lady and an opportunity to do something good."

"Good?" The Queen scoffed. "Yes I suppose in your deluded world, this is good. It is a massive opportunity for you at least."

Emma looked confused at that. "The opportunity was to save someone, what other opportunity is there?"

Dark eyes drilled into her. "Now Emma, don't be coy. We both know you haven't moved on from your crush on me." Regina snaked out a hand and brushed Emma's cheek gently, before slapping it lightly.

It wasn't a loving touch, nothing about the brunette at the moment was soft. She was practically shaking with anger and the atmosphere in the office was charged. The slap was to focus Emma on her, to push the blonde's buttons. She had slipped into playing a game so easily, using words as weapons, the goal to be sharp and hurtful.

Emma didn't respond to the touch, her mind was whirling quickly, trying to fit the pieces together. Regina thought she had brought back Marion on purpose. She thought Emma wanted to split her from Robin. She didn't believe this was a mistake, but coldly calculated. Why would she think that? It had been over a year since they had shared a bed and Emma had tried to be supportive of her relationship with Robin. She had hidden her feelings and held out a hand of friendship instead. There was nothing she could think of that would let Regina know she still had feelings for her or that their encounters had been anything but passionate sex.

She shook her head, "We are friends Regina, nothing else." The denial tried to stick in her throat, but she managed to say it and even thought it sounded believable.

"So you don't have feelings for me?" Uttered in a silky, sexy voice. One that had dropped an octave and had Emma fighting for control over her body. She wanted to clamp her thighs together, she swore she felt her neck and face flush. The brunette took a step closer and grasped Emma's chin, tilting her head back to watch her eyes. Eyes that Emma prayed weren't dilating with lust because they hadn't been this close for a long time and Regina was still beautiful, even angry. And her perfume triggered memories and recollections she had tried desperately hard to forget.

"None." The blonde was able to grit out.

"Let me tell you how I see it." The Queen began.

"I'd rather not." Emma muttered, but found herself submitting to the older woman's will.

"You find yourself in The Enchanted Forest, and being your Mother's Daughter, you can't help yourself. You think you are above all laws, including those involving space and time. You interfere, regardless that you could change the time line and erase the whole future as you know it."

Regina hummed as Emma stewed, she knew she had been reckless and her actions could have had far reaching ramifications. Being mocked by the brunette wasn't helpful. Emma had reacted on instinct to save someone, she felt bad enough about how it had ended up, without Regina harping on about it.

"So you save Marion, my current lover's dead wife. And bring her back to the future where it is like a miracle has taken place. Life has been restored to a dead woman, a family is reunited and my lover turns his back on me to be with his beloved, and now living, wife."

Emma tried to pull away but Regina pursed her lips and held tight.

"We are nearly done Princess, just let me finish. With Marion and Robin back together this would give you a clear path to try and rekindle our relationship, one I know you never truly gave up on. So you can see why I think this might all have been engineered and that you really didn't just make a mistake. You can see why I might think there was malice and intent behind your actions. That you deliberately tried to destroy my future with Robin so that you could waltz back into my bed and burrow into my newly broken heart as a replacement lover."

Regina let her go then and Emma looked hard at her. She knew Regina believed what she had said, her lie detector lay dormant. Emma felt angry that Regina thought so little of her, could think that her actions had been calculated to break up her growing relationship with Robin. But more importantly Regina seemed to know Emma still wanted her. Despite Hook, despite the fact they never mentioned their past sexual history, despite Robin. How had Regina picked up on that when Emma had been so careful around her?

They were already on a knife edge, pushing each other and arguing, so Emma decided she had nothing left to lose, she boldly called the older woman out.

"How do you know that I never gave up on us? You sound so sure about that."

"Oh I am." A smug smile accompanying the words.

Emma's anger bubbled and she was struggling to hold onto her control.

"Why are you so sure?" It was clipped, the brunette was digging under her skin and she hated the feeling of being vulnerable. It reminded her too much of her childhood.

"I read it." There was a victorious smirk, like a dangerous animal, a tiger maybe.

"Where?" Emma had a horrible suspicion where this was going. A weight settled in her stomach.

"By your own hand My Dear."

"My Diary?" Emma asked, already certain that was the answer and her anger spiked exponentially, she took a step forward and there was almost no space between the two women now.

"Yes. It was a very interesting read, you know you are quite talented. Parts of it had so much feeling in the words they could have reduced me to tears." The almost feral smirk made Emma want to choke the life out of the woman before her.

"Those are private!" Emma roared into the brunette's face.

"Not anymore."

And that quip was the final straw that broke Emma's control. She shook violently as she felt magic flow to her hands, hands that were quickly being brought up to the brunette's shoulders. Regina reacted quickly, she had sensed the change in the air and as she grasped Emma's wrists she was able to stopper the magic. It hummed in the air between them, but wasn't going to hurt either of them.

Regina had control of the situation, and as Emma realised that and the anger had no where to go she let it slip away. As they stood in the office, eyes locked together, brown orbs set like stone, she slowly gained control of her emotions again her eyes filled with tears and she whispered, "You had no right."

Emma broke the connection between them and Regina her let go, knowing Emma was no longer dangerous.

Emma held her hands out in front of her, fear on her face that she had almost lost control again. And part of Regina twinged at the look on her friends face. But more of her wanted her gone, wanted to be left to cry in peace, to finally lose control and mourn her lost love. Probably with drink, likely with magical destruction too.

As the blonde turned away and took a faltering step, needing her own space to begin to process what had just happened The Queen couldn't resist the last word.

"That's right, run away Princess. Go home to your little diary and write down how the nasty Queen has hurt you." Regina slammed the door, she had got what she wanted, she was alone. She knew deep down she had done a terrible thing and she felt her stomach flip. Her anger was currently eclipsing everything, but once she calmed down she was well aware that she would see this as a massive mistake and the regret would come pouring in.

She slumped in her chair and banged her fist into the wood. It hurt, and maybe she deserved that because Emma's face had crumpled at her disclosure. Emma, her friend. Emma, a person she knew loved her despite her faults. Emma, who had wanted to comfort her and hadn't forgotten her like Robin had. Yes her hand hurt, like Emma was obviously hurt. So she did it again, and again just for good measure.

* * *

When Emma got the phone call about the drunk and disorderly, she sighed, knowing who it was and knowing it wasn't going to go well. The Sheriff was the last person Regina wanted to see and vice versa. Emma felt the anger rise about the invasion of her privacy.

Yet she still had a duty to do, she was still Sheriff. She took a deep breath and grabbed her jacket and keys and headed out the door. She just hoped this call out wouldn't require a magical solution, she nudged her back pocket and felt the metal of the handcuffs, she hoped she wouldn't need them either.

X

As Regina backed her up against the exterior wall of the building, the brunette reeking of scotch and looking much less polished than usual in a rumpled shirt and torn stockings, Emma knew she should stop her. This was assault on an officer of the law. And yet she still craved the older woman's touch, still wanted her attention despite knowing the older woman had been snooping and reading her private and personal thoughts.

She loved and loathed Regina in equal measure and what tipped the balance was that she still felt immensely guilty. She had never wanted to hurt her Ex, that had never been her intention. The blonde felt she deserved the anger and abuse and oddly she welcomed it.

She was the sober one, and she reasoned this was the least she could do, take a verbal assault from a drunk and upset woman. Emma was hurt too, but she knew that had been Regina's intention in her office. She had wanted to inflict pain and make the blonde leave her alone, and her words had most certainly done that.

But even hurting like Emma was, smarting from Regina's revelation, underneath that she knew they were better and stronger as friends. They needed to be speaking, primarily Henry but also the Town would suffer if they reverted back to previous versions of themselves. If they went back to arguing and bitching at one another, Emma knew her life would be miserable. Allowing the brunette to be abusive now might ultimately help them move forward, maybe this would be the first step to rebuilding some kind of strained relationship.

"Now Sheriff, it has been a very long time since I've been this close to you." The brunette licked her lips and stared at Emma with deeply dark eyes. Emma swore it was the dimly lit alleyway and nothing else that caused Regina to look at her like that. They had been trying to rip pieces out of each other verbally hours earlier, this was not what Emma had expected from the older woman.

Since the day Regina had tried to poison the blonde and accidently hurt Henry instead they hadn't touched each other, not intimately. They both knew it had happened, it had been a 3 month affair that they had both enjoyed, but it was something they ignored. Until now.

"Regina you're drunk." Emma tried for commanding, needing to be in control here.

"It's been too long Emma."

"Regina you don't want me, you're just upset."

"Maybe, maybe I just realised something. He was never as good as you."

Emma wanted so badly to grin at the praise, she was better than Robin, but she held onto her restraint. "I can't do this now, it would be a mistake. I doubt you know what you are saying."

"You don't want me? It wasn't some twisted reason to get rid of my new lover so you could crawl back into my bed?"

Soft brown eyes looked at her, studying. There was a small pout on full and sexy lips and Emma knew she couldn't kiss them, that was over with and would be wrong. Her control wavered briefly before her arms pistoned out and grasped Regina's biceps, holding her at arms length and away from temptation.

"No. It wasn't. It was a mistake, but an honest one. There was no ulterior motive. I swear to you on Henry's life."

"Then why did you do it?" A cocked head accompanied the question and a thoughtful expression crossed the usually inscrutable features. Emma liked seeing Regina's face when it wasn't a cold and still mask and struggled to keep her hands on the older woman's arms. She wanted to stroke the soft skin of her face, to trace the confused pout. She didn't.

She responded to the question instead, "Don't you think I feel guilty enough about it Regina? I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Then make it up to me, take me to bed Emma." There was something about the way the brunette said her name that had her blood pumping harder round her body. A lingering look and a tongue poked out to wet full lips, and the blonde nearly lost her control.

The air left Emma's lungs on a shaky exhale, but she knew this was the drink talking. Regina was still in love with Robin, going to bed together wouldn't solve anything or help the brunette deal with her heartbreak. It was with a heavy heart and huge self-restraint Emma said,

"I'd feel guiltier about that and taking advantage of you come the morning. Regina let me take you home, you need to sleep this off."

And somehow she was able to bundle the drunk woman into her car.

* * *

Emma stayed the night, not in Regina's bed, but she spent an uncomfortable and restless night with her head in her hands watching the hurt and pain fade from Regina's face as she eventually passed out in a drunken haze. Emma got her a glass of water and some aspirin, because she knew she would need it when she woke up. She wouldn't be happy to find the Sheriff in her room, but Emma had come to the conclusion that they needed to talk, about the past and about the present. About trust and boundaries and where they went from here.

The burning question was how much Regina had read. Emma knew she had planted evidence in the loft apartment during the curse and she had been in the Enchanted Forest with her Mother so Regina could have sneaked about the loft and found the diary, but recently she thought the brunette had turned a corner and wasn't like that anymore. She wasn't interested in hurting Emma or digging to find out things. The blonde thought they had reached a place where if Regina had questions, she'd just ask. Why would she want to read Emma's personal thoughts?

Emma had left the office earlier that day and gone home and leafed through the battered notebook, wanting to review what Regina could have read. And most of the recent thoughts she had transcribed were about the brunette, which was embarrassing for Emma but she knew running from this was wrong. It needed to be sorted out.

Emma had never forgotten the way her body responded to the older woman, how satisfied the Mayor had made her feel. Or how she suspected they both knew it had progressed beyond just sex. She looked at the empty space next to Regina and remembered the number of times she had lain there struggling to breath after coming hard and fast at the other woman's hands. Then Regina had tried to poison her, and it had taken a near death experience for the brunette, a trip to Neverland and another handful of fairy tale enemies before she was able to forgive and trust the woman. And trust and friendship was what they had, they never went back to the heat and passion they shared in this room. It was a closed chapter, wasn't it? Regina had tried to make a life with Robin, even if Emma wanted it, the brunette had moved on.

But now it appeared that Regina had always known how she felt and she hadn't pushed her away. She knew Emma was in love with her and that meant there were some hard questions to ask, and maybe even harder answers to be given. Emma was scared, she could admit that to herself. This could go so badly wrong and she'd rather be Regina's friend than lose her from her life altogether. And Henry, what would he feel if his mother's couldn't put this behind them and be civil. He be caught in the middle again and that made Emma feel so sad.

And even if Regina said they could give this a chance and see where it went, would Emma always feel like second choice, like an after thought to bloody Robin Hood? Would going slow and trying to recapture what had happened with them before even be possible? They had both moved on from the people they were before. Regina had lost family members, as well as letting Daniel go. She had tried with Robin, and was trying to change and use her magic for good. Emma had gained family, and gained the respect and expectation of the whole town. The goals and priorities had changed for them both and they weren't the same people who had fallen into bed together so long ago.

Could they still be passionate or was it the danger of bedding The Evil Queen that had excited her and made it so delicious? And for Regina, maybe the thrill had only been that she was Snow White's child. She looked at the sleeping woman and hoped there was some kind of future for them, but she would have to tread carefully. Having just lost Robin she knew the brunette was in no place to welcome a new suitor. She was broken hearted and needed to grieve for her lost love, allowing her heart to begin to heal before looking to love another.

Right now she needed a friend, but Emma was damned if she would keep sitting on the side lines forever. She had learned her lesson the last time, and she wasn't going to lose her chance with the brunette this time. she would be patient, but she would speak up and voice her feelings this time, she just had to wait a little while longer.


End file.
